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And a good day filled with goodness and good people

I started this blog as an avenue to talk about my fertility struggles as ‘privately’ as possible. There is so much I had to do to withhold information from colleagues, relatives and friends and even some family members. It hasn’t been easy. But I found some solace in reading about other people’s experiences here. I’ve always admired how so many people at my hospital walk in confidently to pursue fertility treatments without much fear. And I could never do this – even a scan makes me tensed. Others’ experiences here also helped me by making me more prepared for what is to come.

I was really appalled by the unwarranted harsh outburst of a blogger here. Even at work, I am very careful about taking my frustration out on the kids. They don’t deserve to bear the brunt of my personal frustrations. It is just not fair.

But after two angry posts which I’ve made private, I feel more at ease. I’ve vented that out. My Husband advised me to be a little more patient and empathetic given the circumstances. But an all out attack against a person who meant absolutely no harm is just senseless. I will NOT accept that. There are so many ways to disagree or to put one’s point across nicely. In a civil manner. And we are old enough to do that. Unlike my teenage students.

I have friends and family who always tell me to be positive and optimistic. But the truth is I am just not that person who oozes positivity and optimism give any kind of circumstance. I’ve seen people like that. Their personality annoys me. That they can take anything and everything in positive light. It feels like they can’t see the reality of life. But that doesn’t mean I take the liberty to go all out to berate them. They still give me lots of encouragement and positive words. But I don’t hate them for it even though it feels disconnected. Because I know they care for me. And I appreciate that. Not many people would do that by putting themselves in my shoes. But they try. With whatever limited knowledge or information they have. Even if they say the most cliched things to me. And I do value that.

That aside. Today we had prayers at my parents place for the house warming ceremony. It was such a busy day but one filled with positive energy. Had friends and family over for breakfast and lunch. 🙂

I had been down with a cold since the day before yesterday. Seems to be dissipating now. Need to be in good health for the first ever FET. I’m still apprehensive about the anaesthesia that they will administer though. I don’t want to end up throwing up and feeling sick right after the transfer. But without the anasthesia, I might face the same intense pain that I had felt during my first iui. I’m thankful for my nurse’s recommendation to just sleep through the whole process.

I’m meeting my colleagues tomorrow for lunch. 🙂 will be great to see these awesome people again. The challenge is to wake up early tomorrow. I miss work. But I don’t miss the stress and drama that comes with it!

 

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Day of Lucrin Jab

I have been feeling extremely bloated. So much so that I need an additional pillow to have my head placed a little higher when I sleep so that it is easier to breathe. Like I cant seem to be able to breathe easily. Sigh. I messaged the nurse about that. I hope I can get some relief soon? I am quite afraid to have a full meal or drink too much liquids as well. 😦

I HATE eating the 4 eggs whites everyday. ughh. It just makes me want to throw up. But I don’t have a choice do I ?

I bought a box of Fybogel to help with the constipation. But now I don’t think it’s constipation that has been making me feel uncomfortable. I think it is the bloating and the ovaries?? I honestly don’t know. I just hate feeling miserable like this.

I used an OPK to see if there was any surge – I know the Cetrotide is meant to suppress the LH surge but I was just curious. Of course, it was negative – no surge.

I am worried about the recovery phase after the egg retrieval (ER). Don’t want to suffer through OHSS. So it is because of this that I can only do FETs or frozen egg transfer cycles and no fresh transfers. I am not complaining about this as I don’t think my body can survive all this at one go.

Right. Lucrin injection later at night. I wonder if that will cause more bloating or cramps or further discomfort.

For now, I am going out for some waffles and ice cream! 🙂

First shot over!

So yesterday my hubby injected me with my first dose of Gonal F for this IVF cycle. I iced the area and didn’t feel the needle nor the medication going in. Phew!!! What a relief! I was having mild nightmares about the shot during my nap earlier yesterday. lol.

I had 2 fried eggs and 2 hard boiled egg whites yesterday. ughhh. I think I am going to hate eating eggs after this whole ordeal.

It felt good to know that my presence was missed in school. 🙂

It will be nice to read some IVF success stories. I have a fellow colleague who fears that she will have to go down the IVF route soon and hopefully I will have positive things to say after this whole process.

As for the rest of today, I am hoping to eat out today. Then nap when I am all alone at home. Then go out for dinner.

Well, that’s basically all I do these days. Eat. Sleep. Slack. Nap. Eat. Go for doctor’s appts or oversee renovation work at my mom’s place.

Will probably go nap now and wake up for lunch later.

Stuck in December

Yes. Today teachers started their first official day at school (the kids too of course). And I still don’t feel like I am missing out on work. It doesn’t feel like December is over yet, frankly.

I had an appointment with my gynae instead. And as expected, I was given the biggest stash of injections to date. The highest dose of Gonal F used to be 75 units. Now it has been increased threefold, to 225 units. Haiz. I am terrified by that volume. I don’t know if an increase in the volume of medication translates into more pain or more discomfort. I intend to ice the area before hubby administers the shot tonight.

My gynae refused to tell me about the other injections. Lol. He sensed my paranoia I guess. He just told me to focus on these first.

I have been instructed to have 4 egg whites everyday. Right, EVERYDAY. ughh. Boiled, poached, fried etc – any way. But 4 eggs. Need to go to the supermarket to get that huge carton later. This is to reduce the discomfort and swelling from the growth of the follicles I think? And also to prevent OHSS. I guess I am at risk of OHSS since I had 20 plus follicles growing from 75 units of Gonal F before. I don’t know how bad 225 units is going to be now.

I have been given Aspirin as well to thin my blood or something so that the blood circulation can be improved? I don’t know if that actually makes sense. And I’ve to take folic acid and iron syrup (the tablet form makes me sick/throw up). The doc told me to expect quite a bit of bloating. I want to go back to school to give out the results slips to my O’level kids – that will be on 13 to 14 Jan – still not confirmed. And I don’t want to look pregnant with the growing ovaries (when I know I am not) – this will just invite more questions etc. which I am not ready for.

Lost a bit of weight. Thanks to that gastric flu. It takes me forever to put on weight. I don’t know if that is a blessing or otherwise.

So yep, Gonal F jabs until Sat when I go in for another scan to check number and growth of follicles.

P.S – I came across someone’s post on FB that announced the birth of his baby and he had the words ‘ALL NATURAL’ in caps. Like wtf was that for? Really annoyed me. Such an a*****e.

Here comes 2016 with the IVF

This is the first time that I am not counting down whatever is left of my holidays in dread of work that starts in Jan. This time round, I have the chance to just completely forget about work and just think about erm visiting the doctor instead. Lol. At least I don’t have to deal with the stress and worry of work and preparing materials for the new academic year and a new syllabus too. And it also doesn’t feel like my break has quite ended yet. It kind of feels good actually. Perhaps I won’t quite miss work? Perhaps I should just enjoy the next few months where I don’t have to work at all? Hmmm.

I have to nonetheless prepare materials etc for the new social studies syllabus. So that’s something to do when I feel utterly bored or when I run out of things to do I guess?

So since my parents and my Brother had moved in with us, it has been less lonely at home. I get to irritate my Brother. Hehe. And I have been really occupied with the renovation stuff as well.

i had been down with a horrid case of stomach flu. This really really took a toll on me.  Plus I think the BCP did not make my life easier either. I think I might have thrown up the BCP on the two days that I had sever vomiting and this brought on a light bleed for that entire week. It really seemed to have messed things up. My doctor seemed to be concerned and I was told that if I’m not in good health then we can’t start the IVF procedure this month. And I was like no way can this crap interfere with our plans. I stopped BCP yesterday and the bleeding had lightened and I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning. I read that the period could come later during the stims or just may not. Or perhaps the bleeding I had this week was the actual period. I don’t know. I hope the doctor can figure this out and hopefully we can go ahead with plans.

I am still quite apprehensive. But I need to push myself to go through with this. And hopefully the slower pace of life (without work) would help. I might be getting the Gonal-F injections tomorrow. Sigh. That sucks. But yea it is all for a worthy cause.

I was just really upset with the loss of my finances. You know. I could have been like so many others who have no issues and are able to get pregnant so easily. And it is not even like I have age- related issues. We have been trying since I was 26. 😦 and I wouldn’t have to spend a whopping 20k on these procedures. I could have used that money for my kids. Oh well. All the what-could-have-beens. I just feel so unlucky. “Unblessed”.

i know my Husband often reminds me that we are still lucky compared to a whole lot of other people in terms of various things.  I know and understand all of that but I can’t help but be consumed by what I so severely lack. I just never thought I would ever have to go through this, you know?

I have somewhat avoided planning meet ups with my ex colleagues this month. I mean, I don’t have any good news to share with them. I know that the question will pop up. I know they have good intentions in asking for updates but yea, it just feels like crap. To be honest, it feels better to just be open and upfront. But I know that news will travel if I am going to be too open and I don’t want tongues wagging. On the other hand, several of my colleagues know. There’s no way I can keep such things secret really. Everyone wants to know why I’ll be on no pay leave. If I withhold info, then they are quick to assume that I’m skiving. So, I might as well be a little truthful, right? So, I’ve just said that I need the time off to focus on building my family. Fair enough, right? Hopefully, I will some success to share with them. 🙂

Have I mentioned? My husband is such a darling. 🙂 but I’m still going to yell at him when he jabs me with the injections lol.

So here’s to a month full of injections, endless scans and a minor surgery (egg collection). Hopefully tomorrow’s scan goes well and we stay on the planned course of action.

And if God is listening, I would like a pair of twins please. Thank you.