Monthly Archives: February 2016

The longest wait. Literally.

I thought the much awaited FET would take place in 2.5 weeks but it looks like it would happen in 3.5 weeks time instead. So sometime in the week of 20th March. It looks like many people have had their much faster. I don’t get why it’s taking so long for me. 🤔

I started Lucrin injections yesterday. It is really no fun to restart these injections after more than a month of a break. The momentum is kind of…gone. So I’ve to try and get back into the right gear again.

I will stop my month long BCP on Sat. I will have to continue the daily Lucrin injections for 3 weeks. I am supposed to get my period 4 days after stopping the BCP. And I will have to go for a scan on day 4 of the period.

Right now I’m stuck with a skin issue that has cropped up. More Doctors fees. Sigh. One more issue to deal with. I don’t know if This dry skin issue has anything to do with the ivf treatments. My GP suspects that but I’ve no clue. I just have to troubleshoot this problem now.

I read a few posts where a few of the bloggers’ FETs had failed. I can’t imagine how devastated you are right now. I hope you will recover from the disappointment and pain soon and pursue the next step. I also hope you get answers as to why the transfer didn’t work and/or get solutions from your Doctors to make the next process a success.

It is extremely frustrating to be told that your infertility is unexplained. I’ve heard that for the past 5 years. I’ve tried telling myself that perhaps the outer shell of the egg might have been too tough for the sperm to get through so perhaps ivf is the only answer. But I don’t know for sure. It is all a horrid experiment. One that is really draining. So now the next experiment is to see if my uterus can support the growth of a fertilised embryo.

If my first FET fails, I will persuade my doc to do a double transfer to increase my chances – of NOT to intentionally get twins, but to increase the chances of one to stick. Anything more which can be sustained will be awesome of course.

I haven’t though about how many ivf tries I will be able to go through. But I will try my best and I am determined to keep an open mind to make this work. I’ve taken time off work to do this. I’ve sacrificed so much. Already come the distance. I just have to persevere and go as far as I can. I am not ready to think about what I would do if this whole thing fails. I just started so I can’t think about a complete failure so soon, can I? I’m afraid to be hopeful but I just want to let go and go with the flow and let my doctor take over. It’s beyond me already anyway. I want to let the science and Scientists do the work.

All the best to those who are going through this process. I hope you don’t give up too quickly or before you know that that’s as far that you will allow yourself to go. And kudos to our husbands too for always being supportive and there for us. 😊 I hope to and am sure that I will be reading posts on your successes soon!

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First scan after more than a month

I realised that I have been free of scans and jabs since the transfer on Jan 14. I know it’s ridiculous but I feel a little nervous about tomorrow’s scan. It’s been a such a long time though I’ve had countless scans before. I think the doc will be scanning my womb and ovaries to check that’s there has been no activity? 🤔

I’m supposed to get the period once I stop the BCP. Hopefully it’s a less painful and lighter one. I’ve quite a number of errands to run tomorrow so hopefully I can keep myself occupied enough to not think about the FET.

My first FET that is.

Hubby and I will be staying with my parents right after the FET so my mom can help take care of me too. 😊 Rather, that’s under the direct orders of Mom.

FET in two plus weeks..

So, before I went off for my staycation, this woman who lives in my mom’s block of flats passed us and threw a nasty comment our way. Like she was freaking entitled to ask. She said, oh still no kids yet? Don’t want to have kids?

She asked me these questions a few years ago in my face. And I told her I’ll have the kids when I wish to have them. Number 1, I don’t wish to share my personal struggles with you who is a nobody to me. Next, you have freaking taken the liberty to make your own assumptions that I’m one of those young couples who postpone having children. Such audacity in such an insensitive and mocking tone.

The next time she dares make such a comment directly to me, I will give her a more curt response.

Anyway, I will just have to manage myself when in contact with such senseless people. At the same time I don’t wish to morph into an ultra sensitive psycho who takes offense to innocent comments. So I’ve to watch how I react to people and their comments around me. I mean, some people are nice and just want to know when I want to have kids, and they urge me to do so soon – that shows concern so that’s perfectly fine. And usually I just tell them that we’re trying.

On that note, I welcome advice or comments on the fertility treatments and stuff. Im not excessively sensitive especially with other people with fertility struggles. I’ve just become more hesitant on commenting on people’s posts these days and avoid doing so, even giving words of encouragement, because of a previous nasty and unwelcome experience. So I’ll just silently wish you support. 🙂

That aside, my staycation is coming to an end tomorrow. 😦 not too happy about that. It was a good relaxing stay at the hotel, away from home and all the thoughts about my fertility issues.

Hubby and I had an awesome time trying all the rides at the amusement park. We avoided the roller coaster that makes you go upside down though. Lol. In light of the upcoming FET. The last thing I would want is a twisted ovary or uterus – if that is possible.

So on Wednesday, I have an appointment to see my doctor. I believe he is going to issue me the Lucrin vials. 😦 not looking forward to daily injections. I think I’ve gotten a little too used to the break. I’m not looking forward to all the anxiety and fear of the what ifs that are soon to come.

So I think it will be two weeks of Lucrin jabs and then the FET.

Injections are something I think I will NEVER get used to. Ever.

A good week!

So I have another week before the dreaded injections start. I am going to just depend on my Emla to take away the stress and whatever pain I might feel when the needle goes in. I’m looking forward to the staycation before all this starts though.

I went back to school to meet my colleagues and friends. Some were asking if I was pregnant already. I was amused. And told them it is actually a long process and not that simple. They were complaining of the stress and never ending amount of work. I can remember that all too clearly and don’t miss that at all. Especially confrontations with unruly kids. That really really drains you mentally and emotionally. All that anger, disciplining, arguments etc. There were many times when I had felt like just walking out of the school thanks to such incidents. So I could empathise with my colleagues. But the best part is, you do build rapport after these confrontations. Just that, it takes a little bit of you every time it happens.

The untrained teacher who was taking over one of my assigned classes told me that I might have to reteach everything as the the kids are doing poorly. I felt guilty but there is really no other way. I took no pay leave very reluctantly. I know that there will be an impact on students especially when they don’t have a trained teacher to guide them. But then again, the school made the decision to put in the trainee. And they have manpower constraints too. Oh well. So I can already feel that I’m going to have a hell lot of work to do when I return to school in July. And their exams will be 4 months later. I will just have to do as much as I possibly can in those 4 months. And then next year, I can cover more base.

My mobile contract had come to an end and it was time to do a recontract and I was offered a deal to get a new phone. So my hubby and I have gotten the Samsung note 5. I’ve gotten the pink rose gold one. It looks really really pretty. 😍 Previously we had the note 3. Now I’m waiting for the matching clear view cover in pink rose gold to arrive – it will only be in the stores in March. Hope I get that before my FET!

I’m a sucker for gadgets actually. And I always try my best to smother them in all kinds of protective gear so they continue looking good and free of damage for a Long time. And they do last. 🙂

I’m now hunting for an MP3 player. Never liked the iPod because of iTunes. My existing MP3 player has officially died after about 5 years? Maybe more?

I also did my hair today. Went in for an Argan oil treatment to smoothen my hair and had a trim. I don’t quite like spending hours at the hair salon. This is one thing that really tests my patience. And I hate browsing magazines. I’d rather read the news.

I’ve been down with a nagging cough. The cold I had had transitioned to a persistent cough. But I can feel that it is getting better gradually.

I’ll be accompanying my dad to the doctor tomorrow. He is at risk for stroke, has diabetes, high cholesterol and hypertension. So it’s a review with the neurosurgeon. Hopefully he doesn’t have to take so many medications and there is some improvement in his blood glucose.

So that’s that!

And a good day filled with goodness and good people

I started this blog as an avenue to talk about my fertility struggles as ‘privately’ as possible. There is so much I had to do to withhold information from colleagues, relatives and friends and even some family members. It hasn’t been easy. But I found some solace in reading about other people’s experiences here. I’ve always admired how so many people at my hospital walk in confidently to pursue fertility treatments without much fear. And I could never do this – even a scan makes me tensed. Others’ experiences here also helped me by making me more prepared for what is to come.

I was really appalled by the unwarranted harsh outburst of a blogger here. Even at work, I am very careful about taking my frustration out on the kids. They don’t deserve to bear the brunt of my personal frustrations. It is just not fair.

But after two angry posts which I’ve made private, I feel more at ease. I’ve vented that out. My Husband advised me to be a little more patient and empathetic given the circumstances. But an all out attack against a person who meant absolutely no harm is just senseless. I will NOT accept that. There are so many ways to disagree or to put one’s point across nicely. In a civil manner. And we are old enough to do that. Unlike my teenage students.

I have friends and family who always tell me to be positive and optimistic. But the truth is I am just not that person who oozes positivity and optimism give any kind of circumstance. I’ve seen people like that. Their personality annoys me. That they can take anything and everything in positive light. It feels like they can’t see the reality of life. But that doesn’t mean I take the liberty to go all out to berate them. They still give me lots of encouragement and positive words. But I don’t hate them for it even though it feels disconnected. Because I know they care for me. And I appreciate that. Not many people would do that by putting themselves in my shoes. But they try. With whatever limited knowledge or information they have. Even if they say the most cliched things to me. And I do value that.

That aside. Today we had prayers at my parents place for the house warming ceremony. It was such a busy day but one filled with positive energy. Had friends and family over for breakfast and lunch. 🙂

I had been down with a cold since the day before yesterday. Seems to be dissipating now. Need to be in good health for the first ever FET. I’m still apprehensive about the anaesthesia that they will administer though. I don’t want to end up throwing up and feeling sick right after the transfer. But without the anasthesia, I might face the same intense pain that I had felt during my first iui. I’m thankful for my nurse’s recommendation to just sleep through the whole process.

I’m meeting my colleagues tomorrow for lunch. 🙂 will be great to see these awesome people again. The challenge is to wake up early tomorrow. I miss work. But I don’t miss the stress and drama that comes with it!