Monthly Archives: October 2015

Sorting things out..

Today we went to the temple for the prayers for the uncle. I felt detached, like before. Can’t quite stand the oozing friendliness of this cousin’s husband – it just feels like there’s some agenda. I hate all this manipulation. I can’t help but be skeptical about all these people’s intentions, really. I know there are people who are capable of treating my brother and me differently and my mom differently. I don’t like that. We stand together as a family. Don’t try to split us up and try your stunts on us individually. If you get what I mean. There is just no way I will be nice to you if you ill treat my mom or my family.

Oh well, need to get these people out of my life so that I can focus on having my own family and ensuring that my kids never turn out to be anything like these people.

So… I started on my injections last Friday on 75 mml. And today I went in for a scan. I had like 16 follicles!! I was puzzled when the gynae just went on counting non stop. lol. So looks like my ovaries have been over stimulated? Think the biggest ones were 8 or 9mm. The dosage has been reduced to 50mml now until Saturday where I go in for another scan. Hopefully we have less follicles maturing. The doc said 3 or 4 follicles would be good. I hope we have more than one this time round.

Was quite upset about a school incident – something I heard about. But then I have decided that it is that student’s loss that he failed to learn anything during the 2 years. Good riddance. So I am letting that pass. On the other hand, I have students who miss me and want me to come back to teach them, so I shall revel in those compliments and throw out the negative stuff.

Looking forward to Sat! To see how many follicles would have matured! Don’t quite like the nurse though. She is really cold and treats me like a lab rat.

Husband’s such a darling. As always. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ But I still don’t like the injections he administers. heh.

My latest craze is about these polki and kundan traditional jewellery sets. I lovee them! Okay! Gonna look at some sets and then try to sleep. Though I think I am feeling a little hungry. 😦

 

 

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Got to move on..

Been an emotional and upset wreck this week. I don’t think that is because of the uncle’s passing as much as seeing all these people and the huge overwhelming sense of unfamiliarity. I feel that my mom is finding ways to console herself, to tell herself that she doesn’t need them. Which makes perfect sense albeit it’s one that’s harder to accept. You don’t need people who don’t need you in their lives. Or those who just want to have you around for their own entertainment.

So it is time to move on. A pity that my dream life is yet to be achieved. I feel sorry for myself. But hey, at least I still have my parents around and I am grateful for that. Need to find the strength and energy to focus on the upcoming journey for the IUI. Got to call the nurse today and inform her that I’ve gotten the bleeding – it is still somewhat light though, but with cramps on and off.

Might have to start the injections tomorrow. Hopefully I don’t have to go in for Β a scan!

Also need to get the hubby to take time off work to spend time with ME. haha.

First post!

It’s good to be back! Well, somewhat. I was a blogger before. But I kind of got into trouble because of that and hence I made the decision to let go of this entirely. And I am back after a good 10 years? πŸ™‚

So I am on half load work primarily because of our struggles to conceive. Happily married for 4 years but really saddened by the fact that we have been unable to conceive on our own. This blog will be mainly on this process. I have had enough of feeling devastated whenever I hear news of how someone else is pregnant already. So I am trying to distance myself away from these pregnant people. It is really sad. It is a constant battle that you have with yourself in your head – which of course I do vocalize to my husband.

Like I heard a neighbour’s daughter just conceived. And a cousin whom I don’t speak to. It is really upsetting. I didn’t ever imagine that I would be facing this sort of hardship before marriage. And then there are people passing away. That cousin’s dad just passed away without any warning. And a childhood friend’s mother passed away abruptly too. So there’s pressure. Well, not exactly, but I do want us to have our kids and have the grandparents enjoy them.

Family. I do miss my extended family. But I feel unwanted. So why should I impose myself on them, right? Plus I want to preserve my dignity and my family’s and not be treated like trash or be expected to do things at their whim and fancy. So I made the decision to move away from them. I am upset that we have been treated the way we have been. Angry too. I am entitled to all these feelings, right? I was really confused when we were told to make a temple trip to ask for forgiveness and to forgive others. Perhaps it was meant for some others and not these people. I have no reason to forgive them for anything. I am just upset and feel unwanted. I really don’t believe that I had done anything to harm them. In fact, I do think that I have done them a favour – they now have no need to conceal anything from us with such great effort. And either way, why should my chances of conception be tied to any kind of relationship with these people? These people back stab and gossip about my family. They are manipulative and twist words and stuff to suit themselves. I am upset that I have grown distant from my granny. But I have also lost respect for her. She is certainly not fair in how she treats people. I really couldn’t feel anything familiar when I went over for the funeral. They look familiar but feel really distant. I know the politics will continue. I don’t want to get entangled in that and lose my peace again. I know my mom is sad too. But the hard truth is, the distance will enable us to keep our peace and avoid all that crap drama.

My first IUI failed. But that was a struggle in itself. The Gonal F injections were fine at 50 units. But the actual procedure was unimaginable hell. I have become a little more tolerant of pain though I am still terrified of injections. But am forced to think of the greater good which I don’t know if would happen or not. I don’t know if I have lost faith in God. I am upset that despite all the prayers etc etc we have failed in conceiving. I had stopped praying for a while. I was angry and had lost hope. The very fact that I had to subject myself to these injections and invasive procedures was stressing me out and I lost hope. The astrologers had said many things. But none of them happened. I was even hopeful of an astrologer’s words – thinking that the first IUI would be a success. But that failed miserably. It is scary to have hope or to be hopeful. My next IUI is coming up. Right now, I am waiting for the period to start – had to reset it as I was having light bleeding for 10 days or more and I guess that is due to the stress of all these procedures. I have been referred to a new guy – the expert for super ovulation. And I am hoping his magic works. I hope I don’t have to fork out $15K for IVF – I am not even sure if I Β can go through that physically or mentally.

I hope the half load off of work helps. So far it has been a little more relaxing though recent events like the passing of people kind of brought in negative energy. But I have to focus on what is important in my life and for my family. No one else would care for us so I am convinced that my concern or condolences are of little use to them. Life goes on. I am grateful that we still have our parents with us and I need to do as much as I can to conceive as soon as I can. Hopefully we can do 2 more cycles of IUI and if I fail to conceive by the end of this year, I am intending to take no pay leave for 6 months next year. It sounds drastic but I have this nagging feeling that the stress from work really has an impact on me. Teaching is a stressful job when you teach English and Humanities. I enjoy my job even though it can be very much a roller coaster ride. But perhaps I just need to quieten down, relax and take on a slower pace of life for conception to be possible.

We’ll see. Think we’ll probably start on gonal f this week? Second day of period if I am not wrong. Higher dosage though – I hope that does not mean added pain. I do hope that the stimming would be faster. I had the injections for 2 weeks the last round. Hopefully that is shorter this cycle. Notice how many times I used the word ‘hope’?

I need to get ready to go to the funeral. Will stay on the sidelines and be present to pay my last respects. I hope he rests in peace. Or that he gets reincarnated to a better form. Or the best will of course be to reach God.

And yea, if I do get pregnant, I will remember to tone down the happiness and remember the people who have the very same struggles that I am facing.